Just some thoughts.

I am in the library at school right now doing my usual post-Figure Drawing habit: Being on the internet and browsing away and checking the 'usual' sites for me (Gmail, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Digg, and Skyspine for my RSS feeds). I usually indulge in chatting with whoever is worth talking to on the IRC server I linger in but as of late I find it difficult to do so. I find myself not fitting in and the sense of a community deteriorated on this server. I'll be the first to admit to dislike change, but does that in turn mean I should dislike myself when I go through a change? I think this change in myself initially started towards the end of May...when Cherlin passed away.

My sister's death seems to be affecting me more than anyone else in my family. I know that my parents are going to be in agony over it forever, but I understand my father for not showing his emotion since it's not in his nature and my mother will always remain the strongest and most diligent person I'll ever know. I, on the other-hand find myself being an emotional mess about this occurrence. I find myself crying at night when I'm trying to go bed, and during the day I drift out into thought about her and zone out. I've become an escapist and I don't know if I like it or not.

In our living room, we have a wooden entertainment center with photographs on the shelves of my dear sister and her boyfriend, who is an amazing guy. Hanging on the wall above it is a giant photograph of her that was taken at Raiza's wedding. She looks so beautiful in it and happy. I sometimes go in the living room at night and sit on the couch and just stare at this photograph. Thoughts race through my head. It's usually of the ''what if...” variety but there are times when I think to myself that I wish there was a way I could die and bring her back. I've only had thoughts of death when it came to thinking about my sister and her condition. I'd see her suffering in pain in the hospital bed with tears running down her face, I think to myself, “I want to take this pain away from her and sufer it myself.”

Sidebar: In Nightwish's song “The Poet and the Pendulum”, I find the fifth and final section of the song close to my heart and when I hear the vocals in it, I think of it as my sister singing it to me and almost every time I break down crying when I hear it:

“Be still, my son (Cherlin was my eldest sister and I was the youngest so I always saw her as a secondary maternal figure in my childhood up until now.)
You're home
Oh when did you become so cold?
The blade will keep on descending
All you need is to feel my love

Search for beauty
Find your shore
Try to save them all
Bleed no more

You have such oceans within
In the end I will always love you.”

Another type of thought I'd have that reflects upon my sister's suffering was how my friends (or lack there of) would react and treat me if it was me in her position. My sister had been sick for almost 8 years and as time passed, her contacts dwindled down due to people living out their lives. I didn't expect anyone to stop their lives for my sister's sake but it hurt me when at her funeral all these people who used to be big parts of her life showed up. I know they were paying their respects, but they should of started sooner, in my opinion. Going back to the thought of myself in her position though, it'd sometimes make me cry thinking about that because I would imagine my friends and acquaintances being very fake with me. The only person I saw truly distressed over me being dreadfully ill was my best friends: Naomi and Steven. I basically felt that nobody would care if I died and it hurt me a lot.

That made me think of even more negative thoughts. Mainly, the thought of nobody remembering me for anything good. I feel like most people see me in a inferior way. In my online and offline life, which I consider the same since I have hardly any fulfillment in both. I thought going back to school was something to look forward to, especially to get my mind set straight and have a worthwhile distraction. If that would of worked out as planned, then I'd be reading the essay that I have quiz on in 30 minutes.

My two best friends moved to Lafayette to attend ULL and I feel more isolated than ever because of it. They both want me to move over there and I would of initially when I started college but I could not leave my family while my sister was sick. That would be ridiculous.

Presently, that option is still not clear to me due to my financial situation and more importantly to me, Steven is upset at me for a long-term period of time due to my literal and blunt commentary towards him. I've brought these burdens upon myself and with the stress from school, the ongoing grievance I am still in, and the disgustingness of my job, I feel like that I have no hope for a positive outcome.

This is where the change is taking place. I realized more than ever than I am on my own. The fact my parents are in Nicaragua and have been for over two weeks now has amplified this feeling since I am living by myself in the house. Throughout this time period, I've hardly had any social interaction besides the internet and at work and it took its toll on me. It's the reason I lashed out at Steven which led him to get fed up with my persistent bickering that leads to no resolution. It's the reason I've hardly kept in touch with Naomi and I feel like I don't know her anymore. It's the reason I stopped talking to a lot of my other friends, especially Adrian. My mental incompetence to accept change has gave me that reality check I've been long overdue for.

So what now? I don't fucking know. From reading articles on ZenHabits, I've decided to start running multiple times a week to loose weight. I actually enjoy it, except for the fact I cannot build up endurance and loose breath easily. I've only ran twice so hopefully my stamina improves overtime, since it's become a beneficial distraction. I've kept in touch with Naomi more often than I have presently and I am even going to drive to Lafayette to see her in the beginning of November. Steven though, I messed up bad with him over the course of a few months, as he is person I talk to the most. I wish he'd talk to me again but, I am willing to accept the end of my friendship with him if it is in fact real. My online life is slowly shattering at different points. As I stated previously, I feel disconnected from everyone on the server (pun not intended). Everyone except for literally three people on there seem like absolute strangers to me. It hurts me because I remember how such a big aspect my IRC friends were to me when I was a teenager, and I feel like my contact with them helped shape me into the adult I am today.

In conclusion to this lengthy entry, I need to fend for myself and try and have a positive outlook on life, if not, I'll just let my sister's memory down. I want to be strong like her.

Yeah. Well.

Hi there. This is my weblog. Not my first, mind you. I've been a Xanga user for 3+ years for a time. If you venture deep enough to find those relics you'll see that I was nothing more than an angsty, whiny teenager looking for his place in the world.

Right now, as a 20 year old adult, I feel that I need to display myself over the Internet in a more professional ..and maybe optimistic manner.

This blog's purpose is so I have a way to talk, well type out, my thoughts on things. Of course, I won't just whine and mope about minuscule things. I have some things in life that are worth writing about for a change.

A sad excuse to use the list button:

• I had stopped going to college for one year due to my laziness.
• Upon returning to school, I went from a Marketing major to a Fine Arts major, concentrating in Graphic Design/Hypermedia
• I am about to be a (proud?) Mac user with my biggest purchase in my life: A Macbook Pro
• I'm learning on how to deal with the loss of a loved one
• Stuff.

This blog will probably last for this entry since once I get my Mac, I plan on publishing with iWeb since I want more creative freedom design-wise but am too lazy to learn how to code websites properly. The best I can do is MySpace codes. Lame, eh?